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Monday, March 29, 2010


When we were on the way home from the doctor today, I had 27 facebook updates already in mind so I decided just to blog it. :)

First, I did put on minimal makeup and jewelry, and wet my hair, but I totally forgot to do the actual fixing part when it was air dried. Sigh. Lucky it is short and looks okay enough without the fluffing part. And that I did wet and comb it at least!!

Then I had an interesting doctor visit. It is funny how the doctor is always really concerned about one little thing you say, and not about the things you are really worried about! She snapped to attention when I mentioned that I feel like there are bugs crawling on me. Lots of writing on that point. But not so concerned that I forgot how to do the KFB increase. She said "go see the neuro".... but I am not sure I want to cuz she muttered something about "lumbar punctures" (which is the MS test they have done before) and it is really really bad for me. Apparently I don't give up spinal fluid easily. The first one I had, 20 years ago, they blew totally and I got the worst spinal headache for over a week- crawling around puking. The one that was most recent, they couldn't do it until they strapped me on a table, flipped me around, and took continuous xrays to position the needle. Not the most fun either.

I asked, as usual, about pain. She said the Ultracet is the best for my type of pain, but grudgingly said I could take ONE Aleve ONE time a week if I needed to. I am not sure if I should try it, cuz if it made it hurt less, I might not be able to stay at ONCE a freaking week. She said the only other option is a pain clinic, but they don't do well with everywhere pain and most likely would want to do injections, which would hurt me more and not help. Sigh.

I don't know if I dare say "worse" to her anymore tho... she said the only other option for me is...CHEMO. Which I would like to avoid. I feel unless life is so bad I don't mind dying, put the chemo off a bit longer... :)

I wanted to do eggs for the kids this sunday, but since Gregory can't have candy, I wanted little toys to put in them instead. We stopped at the Monticello new Wal, and it is fab, but I can never ever go there again, at least during the day. The whole roof is skylights. I was cramping and itching and dying after only ten minutes. Found a prize for the kids, but not enough stuff to actually hide the eggs. Whatever.

Oh, we also went to Chilis for lunch. The Chicken Crisper mini bite sandwiches are OFF the menu again. They were there last time, not the time before, yes the time before that.. so I figure next time they should be back. :) I got "crispy chicken crispers" as opposed to "chicken crispers" but I did not see a difference. Dad's Memphis Dry Rub Ribs were, well, DRY and overcooked so he was not impressed. Mom had some guiltless wrap and loved it.

Tomorrow I am off to Shari's decor elements party!

Have a good week,

Sunday, March 28, 2010

brain lesions

I think a got a new brain lesion in the past few days...

I have been knitting for 3-7 years. I can't quite remember. One of the first stitches I learned after knit and purl was KFB, which is "knit in the front and the back", an increase stitch. I have done it thousands of times, as it is my fave increase, and could do it without thinking, as little as three days ago.

The past three days I have been super weak. Not tired, weak. I have mostly just read books and not done any crafting. Today I decided to get going on my current project cuz I am going to get a few new requests this week. I picked up the half done project, started working, got to a KFB and had no idea what to do. I could not conceive of how to do that stitch. I tried several times and nothing was right. I finally had to go dig out my books and look it up. After a few tries, I did it the right way and it was like it popped back into my head and I could do it again.

I think the path was blocked by a brain lesion.

Have you ever completely forgotten how to do something so familiar that you could (literally) do it with your eyes closed? Am I going to forget the knit stitch next? Or something worse, like how to use the toilet???



Wednesday, March 17, 2010

betrayal and forgiveness

A few days ago I was getting ready for bed, not really listening to the tv, when I caught the words "how can you forgive someone for betraying you?" and I was flooded with venom and I thought "you can't!!" and then a vast sense of betrayal swept over me and I almost started to cry. I sat on the bed, wondering why I would feel like this. I hadn't ever been betrayed. Why was this deep pain coming up?

Then it hit me. I was eighteen. I was the happiest, healthiest and strongest I had ever been. I was loving everything about my life. Until I got sick. To be specific, until my body decided to try to kill me. And twenty some years later, it is still trying its damnedest to do so.

How can you forgive someone that is trying to kill you? And causing you a lifetime of pain and pain and more pain? That is the reason you will never again be able to enjoy the feel of the sun on your face?

I love me, the part of me that is me. The thinking, feeling part that is animating my body. But how can I love the wreck of a body that is still trying to kill me? How can I forgive that?


Monday, March 15, 2010

making mistakes

The more tired I am, the more knitting mistakes I make. Then I have to figure out whether they are worth fixing!

A few weeks ago, my sister Loy was looking at my KnitPicks catalog, and loved a winter hat with a brim. There are a million free patterns available, but I couldn't find anything like it so I did end up ordering it and paying the 1.99. Loy said her son would love it, and also Julie would want it for her two boys, so it was worth it.

Unfortunately, I could NOT meet gauge with any of the million skeins of yarn I own and I had to order the recommended KnitPicks yarn. It was about 8 bucks for each hat, not bad really, considering the price you would pay for a hat like that.

Once the yarn finally arrived, I sat down last week and decided to make O's first. I didn't have any problems until the brim. The pattern recommends template plastic OR plastic canvas. DO NOT try plastic canvas. It catches on the yarn and will not slide in. Plus it is way too brittle for the stress the brim has to take as you knit the following rows. I reknit the brim pry 4 times before I gave up on the plastic canvas, and on my next med run I purchased "stencil" plastic and hoped it was the same as "template". It worked fine. (Is it rude to email the pattern maker and tell her the plastic canvas does NOT work?)

After all the brim hassle, I started up the hat. It is a cable pattern, and also has a bobble row. (The bobbles are a REAL hassle because I use Denise interchangable needles, and if you twist the needles trying to do bobbles or anthing complicated, they pop off the cables. And every time they pop off, the cables wear down and they pop off easier the next time. I finally figured out that I had to do the bobbles on double point needles, then put them back on the circulars. I have to juggle many needles for that row.) I knew something was off on the bobble row, but could NOT figure out what. I finally gave up and figured Loy would never notice, and finished the hat. (She didn't, and O loved it. Pics when he comes over next.)

Last night I started on Ethie's hat, which is the same size as O's. I breezed thru the brim, now that I know to use the plastic, and started up the hat. As I reached the end of the bobble row, I knew it was wrong. I counted and counted and counted and could NOT figure out why. Then I realized I was reading the pattern wrong!! ARGHH!!

So, do I ignore and keep going? Well, Julie loves cables and she will pry look closer at the hat than Loy. Plus I have to make one, in a smaller size, for her other son. The bobble row wouldn't be the same if I didn't fix it. So, rip, rip, rip, I tore out the whole bobble row. I think it was worth it, and the bonus was the correct row has LESS bobbles, hehehehe.

It is sometimes complicated to decide when to fix something I do wrong. My bottom line is, if I think the person it is for will notice I fix it. And, if I think it will bother me the whole time I am working on the project, it is way easier to just fix it. (Lupus brain is a bit OTC brain...)


Nail polish- I think it wears really well. My fingers are hard workers, and my nails are used for prying and other tasks constantly. The Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure is worth the price in my opinion.


the exercise experiment- That went well also. Somehow it changed in my brain to be done before 2, so I panic earlier than intended, but do get the exercise in.

I am also trying to train my brain in other areas. When I crochet animals, I used to get crabby at the end of the row when I had to undo and move the stitch marker. I started cheering "Yay! a row done!" every time and now I am happy to move it.

Next I plan on trying to pick on random thing and cheer every time I notice it. Working on improving my mood when the pain is bad! :)

Have a great week,

Friday, March 12, 2010

toothpaste and music

What a combo, hey? :)

I have been using the same brand toothpaste, colgate, for years, because it doesn't contain sorbital (only some versions) and I am allergic. I have also been having problems with my toothpaste.... for one, it doesn't seem to dissolve very well. If you drop some in the sink, you can't just rinse it down, you have to wipe it out. I started wondering if sorbital makes toothpaste more dissolvable. (If toothpaste doesn't dissolve in water, what good is it?)

I also have problems with my sink. About every month it starts really having trouble draining. Now, I ONLY wash my hands and brush my teeth in that sink. No one else uses it, except perhaps guests, who would be only washing their hands. What would cause it to plug up?? I started thinking perhaps the non-dissolving toothpaste was getting trapped down in that elbow thing and building up and up and up and plugging it up....

Then one day I was watching tv and saw a commercial for toothpaste that foams madly and cleans between the teeth. I went to the store and searched the toothpaste aisle for this type of toothpaste, found it, and read the back. Sortibal is the FIRST or SECOND ingredient, depending on brand. Hmm.... perhaps my theory is correct? After much additional searching, I found a new brand, Arm and Hammer, that does not have sorbital. I planned to give it a try and see if it helped with the sink problem.

Until, that is, I went to use if for the first time. As I opened the box, I went over the ingredients again to be sure it was sorbital free. My eye got caught on the Poison Control Warning. I am sure I have seen it a million times, but for some reason this time it really sank in. Call Poison Control at once if you swallow more than the amount you usually brush with. Rinse your mouth COMPLETELY after brushing.

Now, I usually just wet my brush to rinse. I started worrying about it. I brushed very very carefully and grabbed a dixie cup (someone else in the house must have already knew about this- they are on the wall of the bathroom!) and rinsed. And rinsed. And rinsed. I could still taste the toothpaste. Was it poisoning me???

Why would they make a product that is placed in the mouth poisonous? Does this make any sense at all??

So, naturally I googled it. It appears the fluoride is what makes it poisonous. For example, Colgate for Kids can kill up to a nine year old if they eat the whole tube. Plus, of course, the sorbital can cause diarrhea, which is what it does to me. I recently saw something about the whole fluoridated water thing being bad, but I don't remember what....


Now on to Music.

I am pretty tired of my old fave music, the 80s music, being used in commercials. Do you remember "Raunchy like a hurricane"?
(Yes, I know the lyrics claim to be "rock you", but it does sound way more like "raunchy".)
I don't mind the song, but I finally had to actually look up to see what they were selling when I kept hearing it on tv.

Brace yourselves.

SALTINES. Yep, crackers. Why would you want your crackers to be either raunchy OR rock you??? HELLO????

Kinda strange way to sell crackers.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ranting Again

I hate hate hate feeling super crappy. Just when I get used to a level of crappiness, I go lower. Sigh.
The problem is that I have trouble coming up with projects to work on when I am this sick.
First, it has to be interesting enough to make me want to give up laying on my bed playing free cell.
Second, it has to be NOT BORING cuz I have trouble keeping my eyes open. The Barbie wedding dress I am working on is all knit on tiny needles for like five more inches. Can't work on it, cuz my eyes glaze over.
Third, it can't be too complicated like the hat Shari wants, cuz I don't have the brain power to follow it.
So, it is hard to find something to do... and I am going to order a bunch more lib books!


I hate, hate, hate the Walmart pharm. Why do I shop there? Cuz if I go to any other pharm in Buff, I have to have whoever is giving me a ride take me to Wally to get craft stuff anyways. Sigh.

This month I tried the online ordering. (Not sure if I posted last month when I tried the "free shipping" option- they couldn't do it with my insurance and somehow deleted the script and the local guys had to straighten it out just to find the script... sigh.)
Anyway, I went online and put in all the ones I wanted refilled, and put to have them filled at the Buff location. Got about 3 emails over the next few days telling me they were "processing" then on Monday-ish one saying 9 were done, 1 they were out of, and 1 the insurance wouldn't fill. I went and looked up the number (They really could list the drug names in the emails!) and it was celebrex. Last year it took my doctor 3 months to get it covered, so I figured I was out of luck for a while on that. I waited until Wednesday so the one that was out could come in stock, then went to pick them up.
There was no line. (Strange, hey? There is ALWAYS a line....) I stood at the counter while the worker did stuff, flashing me a one minute sign. Finally she comes over and I give my name and info. She works on the computer for at least 3 or 4 minutes, muttering "celebrex" under her breath. Finally she calls over the pharmacist, who was wearing a full head scarf but did have her face showing. (Her name tag said "Muslima". ) She looked at the puter and tapped away, and finally looked up and said the insurance wouldn't pay for celebrex until I am 60. I said "Doesn't the doctor take care of that? The approval stuff?" She said "oh, do you want me to fax it to the doctor?" I said, "uh, yeah!" while thinking "you didn't do it LAST WEEK?????" So she wanders off and the clerk lady starts to collect my meds, a five minute process requiring lots of scanning, counting, and searching again for more bags.
As she finally gets them all and I sign for the insurance, I tell her I would like to pay there. (I keep the med receipts separately.) She finishes all the scanning, and asks me if I want to pay up front. I say no, here please. She heaves a huge sigh, looks at the one person who came up in the fifteen minutes I have been waiting, and shuffles the two feet to the check out register.
I pay and run fast away to get all my other stuff....

Why do I need to tell them to send the notice from the insurance to the doctor? Every year since I got Part D, like 4-5 years, the doctor has to fight for at least one drug. Last year it took THREE months to finally get the celebrex, but I had my dose changed and ran out an old script and had extra. Don't think I have that much this year... maybe a month if I am lucky.

It seems like no one at that pharm knows ANYTHING and if you ask the same question three times, you always get three separate answers. (That did happen to me one month. My script went from insurance troubles, to never having asked for it, to being out of refills....)

Sigh. I talked Loy into switching to Target and she loves it. (She didn't before cuz she thought it was hard. HA!) But they don't have a craft section...


I had other rants but can't member them. My head hurts pretty hard! :)

Have a good day,

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

bug rant

I hate bugs. Hate them. And since Mom and Dad have been away for the past five weeks, and around three weeks ago the stupid stupid box elder bugs started to wake up, I have been killing "elot" (as O would say) of bugs. One day there were THIRTEEN bug kills. Luckily Ben came over and took care of a few or I might have... given in and let the bugs take over.

I have a tip tho. At night, usually around 9 or so, I like to lay on my bed and play a Free Cell handheld game. This means my light is off. Since I am the only one in the house, I leave the landing light on. The bugs are drawn to the light and hang out in the hall. I kill two or three at a time in the evenings. This technique of drawing them in requires care tho, because you MUST not let them into the bedroom. I have already had one on my head, and it ain't fun.

To add to the bug drama, I am always quite itchy and kinda feel like there are bugs crawling on me. This wasn't a big deal until a few weeks ago when... there WAS a bug crawling on me. So far I have had four of them actually on me, and that doesn't count the ladybug that was on my pants this morning when I was getting dressed. Sigh. Talk about added paranoia! Now when I feel like there is a bug crawling on me I actually have to check!! This may be from the Lupus, or the meds, or who knows why, but it is awkward. Instead of just touching the icky feeling area to calm it down, I have to either look at it or carefully brush it with my hand in case there really is something there!

Also, I have a problem with seeing things move out of the corner of my eyes. Usually I can ignore it, but now I always think it is a bug flying by. Luckily the box elder bugs only fly when D is over, and I make him kill them. Otherwise they have always been just crawling around. If one ever took off and flew in my face I would pry faint.

The exposure to the bugs has not dampened my hatred. I still hate them. But now I do enjoy the crunch of the back breaking when I smash them in a kleenex.

Can't wait for Dad, the bug killer, to arrive home again!



My friend borrowed a barbie from my nieces, thru me, and it somehow was returned to me minus a shirt. I knew the nieces would not appreciate this, thus I decided to make her one. I had been thinking about knitting Barbie clothes for a while, so I googled and found some neat patterns. (They do have some errors, okay, quite a few errors, but are easy to fix once you spot them.)
This is the shirt I made to replace the lost one:

The yellow dress is the first piece I attempted. After seeing it finished, I decided it would make a better gift for a birthday... instead of a "sorry I lost the shirt" gift. So I will be putting it away for the right occasion.

This was my second outfit. After I finished it, I redid the shirt in pink to match the original skirt and replace the missing shirt.

These are fairly quick, and easy, to knit. They are done with baby yarn and size 2 needles, which I am used to from all the socks. I think I will take the leftover sock yarn bits and make some fancy pattern outfits next.

Have a great week,