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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

betrayal and forgiveness

A few days ago I was getting ready for bed, not really listening to the tv, when I caught the words "how can you forgive someone for betraying you?" and I was flooded with venom and I thought "you can't!!" and then a vast sense of betrayal swept over me and I almost started to cry. I sat on the bed, wondering why I would feel like this. I hadn't ever been betrayed. Why was this deep pain coming up?

Then it hit me. I was eighteen. I was the happiest, healthiest and strongest I had ever been. I was loving everything about my life. Until I got sick. To be specific, until my body decided to try to kill me. And twenty some years later, it is still trying its damnedest to do so.

How can you forgive someone that is trying to kill you? And causing you a lifetime of pain and pain and more pain? That is the reason you will never again be able to enjoy the feel of the sun on your face?

I love me, the part of me that is me. The thinking, feeling part that is animating my body. But how can I love the wreck of a body that is still trying to kill me? How can I forgive that?



  1. I'm fighting back tears here. What an honest, moving portrayal of the pain that you deal with emotionally. I hope you will be given answers to your questions- you're an amazing woman and I'm lucky to know you.

    Lots of love and hugs!

  2. I have to admit that I agree with you. I think that the entire family views your disease(s) by personalizing them. Not sure if that makes sense but take for instance the OCD period you had back in the 90s. We always would say "The Lupus..." so we always separate you and the disease in your body. Weird how that is viewed, when for instance Senja has pneumonia and I don't view that as a stalker killer in her lungs, but yet I view the Lupus as an incidious killer in your body. I have to say that I would have the same thoughts as you if I were in the same position or worse things!!
    Love ya- Lore
    ps- the comment section is back to normal. If you didn't do anything maybe it is more normal since we got rid of Norton and installed D's recommendation. Thanks for that.