A few days ago I was getting ready for bed, not really listening to the tv, when I caught the words "how can you forgive someone for betraying you?" and I was flooded with venom and I thought "you can't!!" and then a vast sense of betrayal swept over me and I almost started to cry. I sat on the bed, wondering why I would feel like this. I hadn't ever been betrayed. Why was this deep pain coming up?
Then it hit me. I was eighteen. I was the happiest, healthiest and strongest I had ever been. I was loving everything about my life. Until I got sick. To be specific, until my body decided to try to kill me. And twenty some years later, it is still trying its damnedest to do so.
How can you forgive someone that is trying to kill you? And causing you a lifetime of pain and pain and more pain? That is the reason you will never again be able to enjoy the feel of the sun on your face?
I love me, the part of me that is me. The thinking, feeling part that is animating my body. But how can I love the wreck of a body that is still trying to kill me? How can I forgive that?