stiped socks

Here are some self striping socks. Knit Picks had a clearance on this striping yarn, so I was able to get some. I am not too impressed with the pattern, even stripes that go dark, light, dark then change color and go dark, light, dark. I would love a variable stripe and color yarn!

These are Mom's, that I tried on and decided to knit for myself.
These were for Geggie.
I think mine are too baggy in the heel. I have skinny heels. I am going to continue the rib down the top on the next pair.

Full shot.

have a good week,

Anne

deep thoughts

When the lupus first started messing with my brain, I found that I couldn't think about things deeply. Thinking too hard made me dizzy and pukey. I find myself even now doing "skim thinking", just skimming the surface, not thinking about anything that will make me sick... since it does still cause headaches (which I have all the time anyways) and dizziness. (If I mess up something I am working on and have to figure it out, I am prepared for the inevitable waves of dizziness that comes after!)
(Edited to add- getting dizzy just writing this post!!)

I am often jealous of blogs where people have deep insights into life. I don't think about hard things, so I was amazed that I actually had an insight into myself the other day.

I have been knitting socks for over a year I think, at least twenty pairs. I have never made any for myself yet, tho I did mark on skein of yarn with my name. Then this week when I finished a sock for Mom I thought it looked too large for her and tried it on. It fit me, and felt... FABULOUS. It was the best feeling sock I had ever had on my foot. It also turned out to fit Mother fine, even tho she is two shoe sizes smaller than me... so I vowed to stop making things for everyone else for a while and knit only socks for myself until I had at least a years worth of beautiful feeling (and looking) socks.

When I told my friend Jodi and sister Julie, they were quite pleased that I would make some for myself. So was my sister Laura, tho she did point out that tho I have made her a pair of socks, it was only the second pair I had ever knit and was with a larger yarn and not comfortable to wear with normal shoes. (HA!)

That night I started wondering why I never had made myself socks. I know I love making things for others, especially people like Greggie who did a jig in his new socks, but why not for myself? Then I realized I sorta feel like it is a "waste" of time, energy, supplies to make something "just" for me. It takes a large number of hours to make a pair of socks, and like 8 dollars in sock yarn. Why am I not worth this? Why wouldn't I think I was?

Really dizzy now,
off to NOT think for a while!

Anne

breathing

Well, the big night out got cancelled due to icy roads. I already did my makeup even! Sigh. Full deal even.

I can tell how crummy I feel by how often I do the full makeup. I haven't put on mascara and cover up for a few weeks... but it was a big birthday dinner for my Aunts tonight, so I went all out. Now it's cancelled.

Tomorrow, if the roads clear up enough to go church, as mother asked me to do for her birthday, I will pry not do all the makeup... :) Mostly I have been doing just the bare minerals foundation and tinted mineral veil. Cuz Loy says the mineral veil is what makes me "look alive". HA!

I wrenched my leg today, I slipped in my room when I was getting dressed and did the splits. I have almost slipped a few times but always recovered until today. We shall see how it feels tomorrow- my leg aches more than usual now. Pry get lots of lovely bruises.


***

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone ever catches themselves holding their breath. I always thought breathing was automatic, and you didn't have to think about it, but after I got my CPAP machine I realized I seem to randomly breathe out, then not breathe in again, until I suddenly gasp for breath. When you have a machine blowing high pressure air up your nose, you can't really open your mouth, so I noticed pretty quick when I started gasping for air. Then I started paying attention, and I seem to do this at least a few times a day, but not so much at night anymore. :)

Makes me a bit paranoid, cuz aren't you supposed to just breath? Why would my body quit? Is it going to not start again sometime???

They always say that the body will fight for air.... yet mine seems to not care so much... odd, hey?

Have a good weekend,
Anne

Project Runway and Julie's Stuff

Here are some of the things I had for Julie yesterday.
She asked for the hat, it came out really cute I think.
She also wanted fingerless gloves for when she is at home and her hands are cold. The purple pair has a cable up the back, it is called "hugs and kisses" becuz it has an X and an O.
This pair was quicker, I just loved the fuzzy red part. I would have made it longer but was worried cuz I didn't have very much. It is very very soft.

***
So I watched Project Runway last night. I like it, but I definitely do NOT get fashion. When the clothes are going down the runway, I am saying:

Ugly!
Butt Ugly!
Kinda cute except for...
Eww! Who would wear that????

And usually when they have the 3 best and the 3 worst left, I am not always sure which is which. :)

It still is fun to watch tho...

happy weekend,
Anne

Few things finished

Here are a few things I have finished lately.

First is Julie's doubleknit hat. D is modeling, for some reason Julie thought he was more appealing for the picture.
This is a scarf I made for Booter. He hasn't seen it yet, so I don't know what he will think. He loves "Piderman" tho, so when I saw it I had to make it.
The two center fingers are bend under in the "shooting web" position.


Have a good week,
Anne

books

One of my magazines had a story on "a year in the life" books. I love books that let me see how people think, so I ordered the five that seemed appealing. Here are my thoughts on each of them, in no particular order.

***

The Year Of Yes
by Maria Dahvana Headley

Basically Maria was only dating losers, and she decided to say yes whenever anyone asked her out. I didn't really like her, so I didn't really enjoy the book very much. Parts were funny, like when she went out for coffee with the homeless man that thought he was a famous musician, but overall I was blahhed by the whole thing.

***

Eat This Book
A Year of Gorging and Glory on the Competitive Eating Circuit
by Ryan Nerz

This book was interesting, but had a bit to much emphasis on "reversal of fortunes" (or puking as you might call it). I liked learning about the people who compete in this sport and all the backstage details.
The last part was on the authors attempts to train and do contests himself, that was a bit too much detail for my (admittedly easily upset) stomach.
Worth reading.

***

My Jesus Year
A Rabbi's Son Wanders the Bible Belt in Search of His Own Faith
by Benyamin Cohen

This is the only book I couldn't make myself finish. The beginning is great- all the details about how Orthodox Jews have to live and the crazy rules is fascinating. Some of the churches he visits are interesting. My advice- if you are halfway in and start getting bored, quit like me. :) Worth reading for the beginning tho. Did you know Jewish law says they have to live in a tent for 8 days every year? So they build a tent room on the driveway. Plus they have to say prayers before using the bathroom. :)

***

A Year Without "Made in China"
by Sara Bongiorni

This was okay. For some reason I didn't really click with the book. It was missing something to suck me in. Interesting, but not fascinating.
I did learn that it is pretty impossible to buy shoes or toys not made in China tho.

***

My Year Inside Radical Islam
by Daveed Gartenstein-Ross

Best of the bunch in my opinion. Teaches you what Islam really is, and what the radicals want you to believe. Lots of quotes from the holy books to back up points too.
Basically Daveed was born non-compliant Jewish. In college (surprise!) he fell into Islam. He started out liberal/moderate and believed Islam=Peace as they teach, and was all anti-discrimination and all that. After college he went to work for an Islam charity and was slowly sucked into the darker side of Islam. Very interesting to learn how people do get sucked into things...
The ending was bit... too quick for me. It wasn't as believable as the rest of the book. Maybe he didn't put as much time to explain his journey thru that part.


Have a great week,
Anne

Warning!

First, no visit from the CIA yet. Sigh.

Today I was really really hoping there was a magazine in the mail. There wasn't, but there was one of those credit card notification of changes thing. Now, usually I just skim those, cuz they drone on about interest rates and overages and late fees, and I never carry a balance, and never am late, so that stuff doesn't apply to me. However, being bored, I actually sat down and read it a little closer. It was from one of my fat lady store cards, and it said.... after a bunch of boring stuff... that they are going to charge me a BUCK to get my BILL!! Shouldn't that be illegal?? How can you charge to send a bill? (I seem to remember a rant about this previously on my blog...)
So, naturally, I called and cancelled the card.

Then I was thinking. Didn't I get one of those types of notices a few weeks ago? I dug thru the recycling bag and found it.. sure enough, another fat lady store card.... was charging to send your bill!
Cancelled that card too.

Read those notices people! Don't pay to get sent a bill. That is crazy.

Have a good week,
Anne

****
Edited to add: Here is the email I sent to every one of my elected reps, except Franken whose site wasn't working:

Hello,

Recently I received notices that two of my store credit cards(Catherine's and The Avenue) are going to start charging a fee to send me a bill. How can this be legal??? I cancelled the cards but am worried my non-store credit card will follow suit.

I am disabled, and purchase a lot of items I need online, plus use the card for medications and other needed items.

If they prefer people to use online billing, they should offer an incentive, not punish people who prefer to have a paper bill.

Please help stop this terrible practice, especially as it would be harmful to anyone without access to a computer.

Thanks
name and address

Random Stuff

I love it when Julie asks me to make her things. Why? Mostly cuz I am severely lacking in creativity and initiative lately... and if she asks, then I have something I "have" to do, so I get up and get working. I just have to be careful not to do too much, my hands have been getting pretty sore lately. Not in the regular hand therapy places.. just muscle pain. So, if you want something, ask. And if you already have and I didn't do it, I pry forgot. Remind me. :)

****

I have a new fave show of all time. Jesse Ventura- Conspiracy Theories. Best show! He combines things that are true with things wack-job people think, so it is very compelling. Plus he still calls himself governor, which is amusing. :)

The first one I saw was on the Bilderberg group, about which is an actual group that I have seen info on the news. Basically the heads of state, industry and banking all meet for a secret meeting once a year. People say they are really in control of everything. Jesse decided to find out what they are planning... and it is to reduce world population by 90%!! Yep, that's right, they are going to kill all us "feeders". They are putting chemicals like NutraSweet in our foods to kill us. (fact- nutrasweet is poison! so the rest must be true) Plus the swine flu is a plot to wipe us all out. (They didn't say how the secret group is going to avoid getting it tho....)

The second one was on big brother. Someone is watching you- all the time. Everywhere. Don't even worry, they are. One man said he was talking to his banker on the phone, and mentioned that there was going to be a nuclear bomb preparedness drill in her town... and several hours later, the CIA was at his house. Kinda sounds fun- how long do you think it will take them to arrive after I post this?? Hmm....

****

While I love reality shows, I do hate when they promise I will be "surprised!", "amazed!" or "will never believe!" whatever is coming next. Am I ever surprised that none of the six guys the girl on Maury is testing to be her baby's daddy actually are? No! I am never amazed, fascinated or stunned at any of the things that come after the break. You think they would be more realistic. "You will be amused!" or "You will NOT be stunned!" or something.

****

When we first came to MN and were around the niblings, I made a book for them to start reading at a young age. I think I can quote it from memory-

Welcome to Anne's house!
This is Anne. She has Lupus.
Anne takes lots of medicine. Here are some of her pills.
Some of Anne's pills might look like candy.
If you were to eat one of Anne's pills, you would get very, very sick.
Only eat what an adult gives you! Never eat anything you find on the floor.
If you find something on the floor, give it to Anne.
If it is medicine, she will give you Money!
Thanks for coming to Anne's house!

So, anyways, tho I am working on not saying NO all the time when the kids ask to do things, I thought perhaps I need to make a new book. One that says things like "Anne still loves you, she just feels like shit!" And "Of course Anne wants to play cars, she just hurts too hard to move!" Or the one thing I always end up saying, when someone asks for the eight hundredth time why I am sick "Anne has Lupus, remember? So I can't go outside and am sick a lot!"

Sound fun? Or scarring? HA!

Have a good week,
Anne

Kitty Cam update

So, after the test use the other day, I let the camera recharge and put it on the cat at bedtime. When I woke up, it had been on for ten hours, and although the directions say the battery lasts fifteen, it was dead. My father said it was blinking red within minutes of my coming down, so I grabbed it and plugged it in to the puter. A note came up warning me that a "malfunctioning device" had been plugged in. The red light came on that it was charging tho, so I left it there. After a few hours, I checked it. The red light was still on, but the lens and screen for picking options were both covered in bubbles- on the inside. I figured this was a problem, especially when the camera would not turn off.
Crabby at the fact it seemed to have blown up after only one use, I emailed customer service at the company that made the camera. I received a canned email response that "live livestock" would not be shipped until after the new year. Huh? Making toys and selling livestock? Interesting. I figured I would never hear back.

Then yesterday I was staring at the camera crabbily and picked it up. It was dead, wouldn't come on, and still had bubbles all over the lens and screen. I decided to plug it in again. No malfunctioning device warning! The charging light came on! Perhaps it was okay? Well, the bubbles were still a pretty bad sign....

This morning I came down to check on it. The light was green- meaning charged up. The screen and lens were.... NOT bubbly anymore! It let me unplug it, turn it on, set the picture time to fifteen minutes... could it be working again??

The cat is now wearing the camera. Will let you know how it turns out. I have warned everyone in the house that if they see it blinking red, yell for me at once.

Updates as necessary....

Anne

Edited to add: Company was coming over, and I knew Kitty would be hiding for the next few hours, so I pulled the camera. Although the "malfunctioning device" warning did not come up, there are no pictures on the camera. So it is broken.

Strength and Bravery

The first few years after I got sick, people would tell me how I was so "strong" and so "brave".
Well, I don't think the word brave applies to illness. Brave is something that you don't have to do, but you do it to help someone else. Like pull a child out of a burning building. That is brave. I don't have a choice to be sick. I am not brave, I am surviving.
Second, I think I am losing my strength. I am just so tired and have so much pain I just can't seem to care about much. It is so much harder to put on my happy face and pretend everything is okay.
I think it is like one of those houses built on stilts. The hurricane comes and the waves pound at it, and the stilts and support beams get weaker and weaker. Then all it takes in one tiny little raindrop in the right spot to hit the house and the whole thing comes crashing down.
Perhaps the stupid never ending sinus infections are my raindrop?

wishing you strength and bravery,
Anne

lupus brain and books

Earlier in the week I watched a cool show on tv about an FBI agent who developed an informant named Whitey Bulger. Basically they had grown up together on the south side of Boston, and Whitey was a gang leader (more Mafia than Crips) who could get away with anything (up to murder) if he gave info on the Mafia and others to the FBI. The whole concept intrigued me, so when they mentioned that a very close associate of Whitey named Kevin Weeks had a book out, I ordered it right away. Strangely enough, it was at the local lib already, so I got it pretty quickly.
Yesterday when I was going thru my book pile to pick what I was going to read, I quickly picked it up.

Brutal
The Untold Story of My Life Inside Whitey Bulger's Irish Mob
by Kevin Weeks

It is fascinating. At that time, in that place, the whole community was united, and Whitey ran all the illegal activities. If someone from the neighborhood was robbing in the neighborhood, Whitey had a "talk" with them and convinced them that you don't do that in your home area. If a single lady was being bothered, or her child, Whitey took care of it. You had each other's backs. Period. And fighting was common. However, if a lady said her daughter was being bothered, and she had a husband or sons, they laughed at her- it was up to her boys to take care of it.

For an example- one time Whitey heard a certain boy had slapped his niece. Kevin and Whitey had a "visit" and convinced him not to touch a woman. Later they found out it wasn't his niece, but a different girl. Oh well, you still don't touch a woman, so he deserved it.
Of course, they also killed people. Lots of people.
But the whole book is pretty interesting.

However:
The lupus messes with my brain when I read books. If I am reading a book and it is a warm beautiful summer story, I will literally be stunned when I come downstairs and find it is winter. (Not with TV quite as much, but certain types of books, yeah.)

Then last night I happened to watch Jersey Shore, and it was the episode when some man punches one of the girls at a bar. The boy roommates all race after him, but the cops are there and he is arrested. The next day on of the boys family arrives and they tell them about it. The mom's first words are "Did you get him?" And I was thinking, yeah, go find him and hurt him! Teach him his lesson! Then I thought, wait, that isn't me thinking, it is.... WHITEY!

So I have to stop thinking about the whole subject or my brain really gets confused.

It seems my brain lesions make me very easily influenced, yes?

Happy New Year!

Anne