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Thursday, January 28, 2010

deep thoughts

When the lupus first started messing with my brain, I found that I couldn't think about things deeply. Thinking too hard made me dizzy and pukey. I find myself even now doing "skim thinking", just skimming the surface, not thinking about anything that will make me sick... since it does still cause headaches (which I have all the time anyways) and dizziness. (If I mess up something I am working on and have to figure it out, I am prepared for the inevitable waves of dizziness that comes after!)
(Edited to add- getting dizzy just writing this post!!)

I am often jealous of blogs where people have deep insights into life. I don't think about hard things, so I was amazed that I actually had an insight into myself the other day.

I have been knitting socks for over a year I think, at least twenty pairs. I have never made any for myself yet, tho I did mark on skein of yarn with my name. Then this week when I finished a sock for Mom I thought it looked too large for her and tried it on. It fit me, and felt... FABULOUS. It was the best feeling sock I had ever had on my foot. It also turned out to fit Mother fine, even tho she is two shoe sizes smaller than me... so I vowed to stop making things for everyone else for a while and knit only socks for myself until I had at least a years worth of beautiful feeling (and looking) socks.

When I told my friend Jodi and sister Julie, they were quite pleased that I would make some for myself. So was my sister Laura, tho she did point out that tho I have made her a pair of socks, it was only the second pair I had ever knit and was with a larger yarn and not comfortable to wear with normal shoes. (HA!)

That night I started wondering why I never had made myself socks. I know I love making things for others, especially people like Greggie who did a jig in his new socks, but why not for myself? Then I realized I sorta feel like it is a "waste" of time, energy, supplies to make something "just" for me. It takes a large number of hours to make a pair of socks, and like 8 dollars in sock yarn. Why am I not worth this? Why wouldn't I think I was?

Really dizzy now,
off to NOT think for a while!



  1. I wondered too why you hadn't. Work on your self-worth, girl! I think it's a good testament to your character that even while you feel so sick and weak, you still muster up the energy to make gifts for people and make their day. We love you! Now go make some socks.

  2. Now, listen here-YOU are worth every bit as much as every other person on this planet. $8 and time spent on you is NOT a waste. YOU are not waste! So there.