When the lupus first started messing with my brain, I found that I couldn't think about things deeply. Thinking too hard made me dizzy and pukey. I find myself even now doing "skim thinking", just skimming the surface, not thinking about anything that will make me sick... since it does still cause headaches (which I have all the time anyways) and dizziness. (If I mess up something I am working on and have to figure it out, I am prepared for the inevitable waves of dizziness that comes after!)
(Edited to add- getting dizzy just writing this post!!)
I am often jealous of blogs where people have deep insights into life. I don't think about hard things, so I was amazed that I actually had an insight into myself the other day.
I have been knitting socks for over a year I think, at least twenty pairs. I have never made any for myself yet, tho I did mark on skein of yarn with my name. Then this week when I finished a sock for Mom I thought it looked too large for her and tried it on. It fit me, and felt... FABULOUS. It was the best feeling sock I had ever had on my foot. It also turned out to fit Mother fine, even tho she is two shoe sizes smaller than me... so I vowed to stop making things for everyone else for a while and knit only socks for myself until I had at least a years worth of beautiful feeling (and looking) socks.
When I told my friend Jodi and sister Julie, they were quite pleased that I would make some for myself. So was my sister Laura, tho she did point out that tho I have made her a pair of socks, it was only the second pair I had ever knit and was with a larger yarn and not comfortable to wear with normal shoes. (HA!)
That night I started wondering why I never had made myself socks. I know I love making things for others, especially people like Greggie who did a jig in his new socks, but why not for myself? Then I realized I sorta feel like it is a "waste" of time, energy, supplies to make something "just" for me. It takes a large number of hours to make a pair of socks, and like 8 dollars in sock yarn. Why am I not worth this? Why wouldn't I think I was?
Really dizzy now,
off to NOT think for a while!